TORONTO, ON
Area man Alex Schmidt, 42, was so sick and tired of “virtue-signalling liberals” on social media that he decided to openly pronounce his own virtuousness by calling them out.
“I’m sick and tired of all these SJWs pretending they care!” typed Mr. Schmidt. “Only a true and virtuous person like myself would refrain from signalling my own virtue on Facebook.”
Schmidt then told everyone that on a scale of one to ten, he had to be at least a 6.5 when it came to virtue, before posting some alt-right meme that contained the words “I bet you don’t have the guts to post this,” which always spurs Schmidt into immediate action.
“All those holier than thou liberals need to stop posting and start acting if they really believe in that stuff,” wrote Mr. Schmidt, who plans to vacate his parent’s basement sometime after his 45th birthday. “If they want to see something truly holy they should take a gander at my socks!”
Mr. Schmidt believes himself to be a very good upstanding member of society (certainly far better than all those virtue-signalling social media warriors he sees all the time) despite the fact he contributes absolutely nothing to it.
“Here’s the deal: you virtue signal and I unfriend you,” wrote Mr. Schmidt to an audience of no one since everyone has blocked him long ago. “I’m the only altruistic man on the Internet. I’ve got virtue literally dripping from my pores.”
Scientific testing revealed, however, that it was actually a combination of body sweat and pickle juice that were coming from Mr. Schmidt’s pores.