OMAHA, NE
An associate pastor at East Omaha Mennonite was so desperate to connect with his congregation that he spent a full hour during the service this week pontificating on why the 1980s classic action film ‘Die Hard’ should be considered a Christmas movie.
“There are basically two schools of thought on the subject,” explained Pastor Ron. “Either you believe ‘Die Hard’ is not a Christmas movie, like the heathens and Calvinists, or you follow the clear teaching of Scripture that proclaims the Christmasness of the entire ‘Die Hard’ franchise.”
Pastor Ron pointed out that the film is set at “freaking Christmas time, my bros!” and also cited the fact it has a pregnant character, “just like in the Bible, my dudes!” as proof of his thesis.
“This is just one in my series of sermons on such relevant topics as ‘Should Hermione have ended up with Harry Potter?’, ‘Britney vs. Christina’, and ‘Did the spinning top fall at the end of Inception?'” explained Pastor Ron. “If you want to reach people these days, you’ve gotta stay relevant.”
Pastor Ron is planning a screening of ‘Die Hard’ in the youth room after church, but has asked everyone in attendance to refrain from yelling ‘Yippee ki-kay, mother____er.’
“Or at least when the senior pastor is around,” said Pastor Ron. “You know how he gets.”