SCHRATJLIJCH, MB
An area reeve will be first in line to receive the new vaccine that protects individuals from wacko conspiracy theories and believing whatever they read on the Internet.
“The vaccine takes two doses to go into effect,” said Dr. Schmidt. “The first dose protects you from reading stupid crap on the Internet and thinking it’s real and the second dose protects you from watching five minutes of YouTube videos and call it ‘scientific research.'”
Health Canada recently approve the new Nutbar vaccine and government officials are hoping to have the first three thousand doses available within the next week or two.
“We’re prioritizing the people who need it most: reeves, defrocked chiropractors, cult leaders. You know, the usual,” said Dr. Schmidt. “We’re really hoping we can get these sick people vaccinated before they spread their viruses to others.”
Schmidt says the virus usually begins with oppositional defiance disorder and, as the symptoms progress, leads to delusions of grandeur and a persecution complex, after which individuals lose all ability to think rationally or absorb any information that doesn’t confirm their own biases.
“It’s really hard on a person, losing touch with reality like that,” says Schmidt. “When the illness gets really bad, these people spend hours every evening scouring the Internet for pseudoscientific facts and figures and cat memes. It’s really sad to see people get that far … thankfully we will soon have a vaccine!”
As for the Schratjlijch reeve, he says he’s very eager to roll up his sleeves to the prevent the further decay of his critical thinking faculties.