TORONTO, ON
It was the biggest payout in Lotto 6/49 history last night as local man Mr. Thiessen won an entire truck load of toilet paper.
“When I saw they were giving out not one, not two, but an entire truck bed full of toilet paper, I rushed out and bought my ticket,” said Mr. Thiessen from his new York Mills mansion. “I’m still in disbelief. I never thought something like this would happen to me. I guess it just shows that it pays to buy your lotto ticket!”
Mr. Thiessen’s shipment of toilet paper arrived today, after which time he officially became the richest man in the GTA.
“I immediately went to work and told my boss to take this job and shove it,” said Mr. Thiessen.”With all this toilet paper, I can finally live the life of dreams.”
Mr. Thiessen, a self-proclaimed expert on the subject, also has some tips for toilet paper investors.
“Now is not the time to sell. I recommend that people invest in a stable commodity like toilet paper,” said Mr. Thiessen. “You should see how this is trading on the TSX index!”
Mr. Thiessen’s winnings are so large he is considering purchasing Casa Lomo and possibly the Maple Leafs, who apparently can be had for a bargain right at the moment.
“The world is a crazy place,” said Mr. Thiessen. “This is the happiest day of my life!”