BATON ROUGE, LA
Starting this fall all Louisiana schools will be required to display life-size portraits of Charlton Heston. Teachers will be asked to photocopy 8.5 x 11 images from the 1956 classic film The Ten Commandments, which will be glued together by kindergarteners and displayed in each classroom.
“It’s going be a real learning experience for the kids, you know,” said Governor Jeff Landry. “It’s time we go back to the classics. Too many kids don’t know about all the great Hollywood hits of the 50s.”
Each school day will begin the Pledge of Allegiance and the viewing of a 5 minute classic film clip off YouTube.
“We expect all the kiddos to be quiet and reverent while they watch The Ten Commandments,” said Landry. “At 5 minutes a day, they should be finished the film by the end of their senior year in high school. If they get started in kindergarten that is.”
Schools will also be given the option of playing clips from other Charlton Heston movies, such as Planet of the Apes or Soylent Green.
“As long as the kids get 5 minutes of Heston every day like the state constitution requires,” said Landry. “We’re certain they’ll turn out to be much better human beings as a result.”
Teachers who fail to display The Ten Commandments will be asked to find another job.
“It’s not really a punishment,” explained Landry. “Walmart pays better than we do, anyway.”