WASHINGTON, DC
In a last ditch attempt to keep his spot in the White House, outgoing President Donald Trump has claimed he found evidence that “all sorts of dead people from Conrad Grebel to Menno Simons and everyone in between” have voted for Joe Biden in the recent election.
“Would you look at this voter’s list from Pennsylvania?” said Trump standing on the front lawn of the White House while a U-Haul full of Joe Biden’s stuff was being loaded into the building. “This is outrageous! They’ve got dead people voting! Typical Mennonites.”
Mrs. Stoltzfus, 103, says that although she is the oldest person in Lancaster County, she is by no means deceased and has every right to vote.
“Time to go, Donny boy,” said Mrs. Stoltzfus. “Your jig is up.”
As for the mysterious presence of Conrad Grebel and Menno Simons on the voter’s list, both men claim the Lord granted them a one-time only visa to visit the planet Earth to vote against Trump.
Upon hearing the news, Trump was apparently extra perturbed that “foreigners” would be voting in the election than he ever was when he thought they were dead.