NEWTON, KS
Mrs. Edna Loewen of Newton, Kansas was arrested and removed from the church roster on Sunday after it was reported her cooking now contained actual flavour. According to her furious grandchildren, Loewen added two tablespoons of salt, a shake of pepper, and a sprinkle of chill flakes to her traditional Mennonite recipes.
“Oba, next thing she’ll be cooking with curry,” said a distraught George Loewen. “One bite of her ‘traditional Mennonite meatballs’ and I just couldn’t handle it. There was nothing traditional about them. I could actually taste something. Yuck!”
George reportedly spent the entire evening running to the bathroom because he just couldn’t handle the “spicy cooking.”
“Mennonite cooking has always been as bland as a pair of slacks and should remain so,” said George. “I had no choice but to report her to authorities.”
Mrs. Loewen was charged with seven counts of deviating from the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook and was sentenced to six years of hard labour peeling potatoes in the MB church basement.
“We have to set an example for other grandmas who might be thinking of adding flavour to their cooking,” said Constable Penner. “The last thing we want is to be able to taste our food. That’s what the heathens do!”
The Loewen family is currently in an intensive counselling program with Pastor Johan who hopes to acclimate them to Mennonite food by flushing out their systems with a lot of whole milk and Brita-filtered water.
(photo credit: Matt Lemmon/CC)