New documents published by Conrad Grebel in the early 1500s have finally put to rest the age-old Mennonite question of how to go about earning your place in Heaven. While Calvinists believe that some people are “pre-destined” to go to Heaven, Mennonites have been a little less certain about the topic and thus many people feel there are things you can do to have a better chance of getting in there. As flawed as this theology might be, perhaps this simple scoring system will provide some struggling souls with solace.
- Living in one of the following places your entire life: Pennsylvania, Indiana, Ohio, Kansas, Manitoba, Ontario, Chihuahua, Paraguayan Chaco – 50 points
- Living in a city in any of these places – minus 30 points
- Attending church every single Sunday for 80 years – 100 points
- Missing a Sunday – minus 20 points for each Sunday missed
- Attending Sunday evening services without complaining – 30 points
- Complaining about attending evening services – minus 5 points for each occurrence
- Dressing modestly (Mrs. Penner’s definition of ‘modest’) – 100 points
- Dressing modestly (Erin Goertzen’s definition) – minus 30 points
- Faithful Sunday School attendance – 60 points
- Teaching Sunday School – 50 points (100 points if you had the Reimer twins in your class)
- Speaking fluent Plautdietsch or Pennsylvania German/Dutch – 75 points
- Knowing only the swears – 30 points
- Anytime you uttered one of those swears – minus 5 points
- Marrying another Mennonite – 50 points
- Remaining single and living with your other spinster sisters – 100 points
- Memorizing the Sermon on the Mount – 50 points
- Living it – 1000 points
- Being baptized sometime during your teen years – 50 points
- Being baptized in your early 20s just so you can get married – 20 points
- Being baptized as an infant – minus 100 points
- Going on a mission’s trip – 50 points (each, maximum 500)
- Paying for someone else’s mission’s trip – 10 points (each, maximum 100)
- Praying for someone else’s mission’s trip – 5 points (each, maximum 50)
- Praying against mission’s trips you don’t believe in – also 5 points (each, maximum 50)
- Each time you sang Hymn 606 – 1 point (maximum 500)
- Each time you sang ‘Stairway to Heaven’ – minus 5 points (no limit)
- Finishing the ‘Complete Works of Menno Simons’ – 100 points
- Understanding it – 100 points
- Serving as a Conscientious Objector during a major military conflict – 200 points
- Claiming to be a pacifist from the convenience and comfort of a modern democratic nation that doesn’t require you to kill anyone – 3 points
- Attending Bible School – 50 points
- Attending Seminary – minus 100 points
- Giving money to the poor – 1 point for every $100 (maximum 100 points)
- Stealing money from the offering plate – minus 100 points for every $1
- Stealing money from the offering pate and giving it to the poor – neutral
- Drinking in private – 5 points
- Drinking in public – also 5 points…don’t be a hypocrite 🙂
- Helping an old Oma across the street – 20 points
- Pretending to be an old Oma in need of help so that you give a nearby young person the opportunity to walk you across the street and, thus, earn points – 20 points
- Shunning the use of technology – 50 points
- Shunning those who use technology – 50 points
- Visiting elderly relatives in the hospital – 10 points (each to a maximum of 100)
- Bathing elderly relatives in the hospital – 20 points (each to a maximum of 200)
- Converting a heathen – 100 points
- Heathening a convert – minus 100 points
- Mowing the neighbour’s lawn – 5 points (each, maximum 50)
- Coveting the neighbour’s ass – minus 3 points (each occurrence, no limit)
- Coveting the neighbour’s wife – minus 5 points (each occurrence, no limit)
- Reading a King James Bible (1611 points)
- Reading a Martin Luther Bible (1534 points)
Points required to guarantee a spot in Heaven: 7777
