PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA
A Mennonite hunter from rural Pennsylvania shot and ate an innocent little weather-forecasting groundhog yesterday, thus condemning the entire continent to perpetual winter. Mr. Yoder said the groundhog was delicious, but says he regrets the inconvenience he’s caused to all the summer-lovers out there.
“What can I say. Us Mennonites are a bit on the carnivorous side,” explained Yoder. “If I had known Spring would be cancelled I might not have done it. But who knows? He sure was delicious.”
Yoder has been a hunter for more than three decades. He attributes his love for the sport to his repressed Mennonite upbringing.
“As a church-going and faithful Mennonite, I wasn’t allowed to join the Armed Forces or even watch violent movies,” said Yoder. “So hunting was my only outlet for my pent up aggression.”
The Weather Network is predicting highs of 30°F well into August this year. Facing the venomous anger from animal rights activists and people who prefer warm temperatures, Mr. Yoder is hiding in an undisclosed location somewhere in Canada.
“The Canadians aren’t upset with me at all,” said Yoder. “They’re used to summers barely above the freezing point anyway.”
Yoder also endeared himself to the Canadian Mennonite community by cooking some delicious cabbage and groundhog borscht.
(photo credit: NechakoRiver/CC)
