WINNIPEG, MB
Every Mennonite’s biggest fear came true this past week, as an elderly man from rural Manitoba ventured into Winnipeg on a holiday shopping spree and innocently greeted each person he met with a hearty ‘Merry Christmas.’ After assaulting more than three dozen people with the offensive salutation, he was finally identified, caught, and arraigned on charges of mischief and disturbing the peace.
“Where I come from you can say ‘Merry Christmas’ to absolutely everyone,” explained Mr. Peters. “But around here you’re immediately sent to prison for even smiling at a stranger.”
Peters faces possible life-imprisonment for the brutal attacks.
“I used to think all those wacko conspiracy nuts on the Internet were full of it,” said Peters from his Stony Mountain cell. “But I guess it’s true. You have to be careful out there.”
The arrest of Peters was immediately cited and passed around online, without any further investigation or confirmation of sources, as completely reliable proof that there is a war on Christmas, rather than just a paranoid persecution complex.
“See, look, these days you can get in real trouble for saying the word Christmas,” said angry blogger MennoMan69 from his Mom’s basement. “This story is absolute proof of that. I know the mainstream media wants to dismiss a story like this as satire or something, but I’m so glad someone finally had the courage to get the real news out there.”