KITCHENER, ON
Citing his pacifist principles, Mr. Gordon Eby, 71, of Kitchener has submitted a formal written request to enter into “alternative service” during next year’s Oscar Party.
“As a member of a historic peace church, I cannot in good conscience watch the Academy Awards,” said Eby. “I feel that even by watching it, I am somehow participating, so I am requesting forestry service in Northern Ontario during next year’s broadcast.”
Eby will have to stand before a judge, who will determine whether his conscientious objection to watching the Oscars is truly founded on his religious convictions.
“Pastor Dave is willing to testify that I shouldn’t really be watching movies and television in the first place,” said Eby, “so I think I should have no trouble convincing a judge that watching the Oscars is against my religion.”
Meanwhile, Mrs. Eby was not so concerned about the level of violence in the broadcast as her husband’s exposure to high levels of cleavage.
“I think it’s best if he goes away to a CO camp during next year’s show,” said Mrs. Eby. “But, who knows, with the way the Neilson ratings have been lately, I hear they might have to conscript viewers to get anyone to watch.”
Mr. Eby says he decided to take a stand against Oscar broadcast violence after witnessing the James Bond montage. “What did you think I was referring to?” he says.