GOESSEL, KS
Mennonite deacon and family man Larry Hiebert, 33, is desperately holding onto any last thread of hope that Bernie Sanders has of winning the Democratic nomination. Hiebert was at the front of the crowd when Sanders stopped in Goessel, Kansas back in March.
“It was like meeting Menno Simons in the flesh,” says Hiebert. “I’m never going to wash this hand.”
Hiebert credits Sanders’ victory in Kansas to the overwhelming support of left-leaning Mennonites across the state.
“There are seven of us,” says Hiebert. “Me, my wife Brenda, my infant daughter Rebecca, and four impressionable members of the church youth group I managed to indoctrinate. I really feel we pushed Bernie over the top.”
Hiebert is confident that Sanders still has a chance of winning the nomination if he can tap into this wave of Mennonite support.
“I think a lot of Mennonites have forgotten our progressive Christian values. Thank the Lord we have a borderline-atheist senator from Vermont to remind us of them.”
Hiebert apparently took his commitment to never wash his hands again literally, and at press time, is reported to be checked into a Topeka clinic with a nasty fungal infection.
(photo credit: Rick Obst/CC)