CLEARSPRING, MB
500 years after the Protestant Reformation began, area man Martin Loewen was so fed up with what he claimed were lapses from the truth faith that he nailed a list of 95 things he’d like to see changed on the door of his local Mennonite church. Loewen demanded the following changes:
- Bring back the hymnals.
- Sing all verses. No skipping verse three.
- No more of those ‘off-the-wall’ songs
- I’m especially sick of that song “Oceans”
- Guitar is fine, but it can’t be electric
- Electricity in general is very iffy
- I’m more or less against anything electric
- Drums absolutely do not belong in church, except that….
- I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell
- The church roof needs to be re-shingled
- My roof needs to be re-shingled.
- The church men’s ministry should do it
- And pay for it
- The pastor needs to smile more
- The pastor’s wife needs to smile less
- The pastor’s children need to squirm less during the service
- And help setting up the chairs and tables for faspa
- They seem like dirty loafers to me
- Mrs. Reimer needs to dress a little less sexy
- Or more sexy
- I’m a little conflicted about that
- I like it and I don’t like it
- Help please
- There need to be a lot more sermons about the wrath of God
- And judgement
- We don’t hear nearly enough about Hell these days
- I’d like to hear more sermons from the Old Testament in general
- And fewer sermons about ‘grace and love’
- I’ve certainly heard more than enough from 1 Corinthians 13
- Preach in Plautdietsch. English is worldly.
- The Sunday evening service needs to be at least an hour longer
- The longer we’re in church, the more points we gain
- I’ve got 13,450 points already.
- So, as I said, the evening service needs to be longer
- Except when there’s a Jets game on
- Then the services should be cancelled altogether
- More ham slices during faspa
- Fewer raisins per raisin bun
- Smaller wine servings during communion
- In fact, let’s just go with Welch’s grape juice and pretend it’s wine
- Also, please finally tell us exactly what The Book of Revelation is all about
- Then give me your full attention as I tell you after church in the lobby why you’re wrong
- The ushers should be taller and wear nicer ties
- The usherettes should cease ushering altogether
- The parking lot needs to be repaved
- And clean up the horse droppings while you’re at it
- More sword drills during Sunday School
- And fewer Veggie Tales videos
- That bathroom hand-dryer doesn’t work at all. Get one of those good ones.
- Bothwell Cheese during faspa
- None of this Walmart garbage
- The cheese has to be fresh
- I need to hear it squeak in my teeth
- That is if I had any teeth
- I mean dentures
- Whatever. The point remains the same
- Squeaky cheese good. Non-squeaky cheese bad.
- I’d also like to see more responsive readings
- And puppetry
- Get one of those guys who uses puppetry as an evangelistic tool to come and put on a performance
- At least once a month
- Also, more altar calls
- Play “Just As I Am” during the altar calls
- It usually works
- At least it worked on me
- I think the elders who sit up on the stage during the service should actually do something
- I mean, don’t just sit there
- It’s a little weird
- Why are they there?
- I’ve heard Mr. Sawatzky lets his son go to movies and listen to rock music
- I think Mr. Sawatzky should be made to stand in front of the church and confess his sins
- I think that’ll teach him
- Also, I’ve noticed a few ladies venturing over to the men’s side of the sanctuary
- Or at least looking in our direction
- This needs to stop
- It’s very distracting
- Especially Mrs. Reimer
- The way she smiles at me across the sanctuary makes me feel funny inside
- Like I start sweating and can’t even breathe and I get really nervous when she glances my way
- I don’t understand it
- Please don’t let me die alone
- And please do a better job of shoveling the sidewalk in front of the church during winter
- I nearly slipped last December
- And I wouldn’t want that to happen again
- At least sprinkle a little salt on there to melt the ice
- I don’t want to embarrass myself
- Especially not in front of Mrs. Reimer
- Oh, there I go again
- I don’t know what my problem is
- I’m nearly seventy-years-old
- I’ve never been married
- And neither has she
- I’m trying to teach the church a lesson
- Really say what’s on my mind
- But all I can think about is that 64-year-old lady in the flower dress. I just can’t get her out of my mind.
(Photo credit: by Keren_/CC)
