SCHANZENBERG, MB
After Bud Light apparently went “woke” this week, conservative country singers are urging folks to join them in a boycott of the brewing company. This came as a great disappointment for Mr. Dave Toews of Schanzenberg, however, who says he doesn’t know what to do as he’s already been refraining from consuming all Anheuser-Busch products for decades.
“This Travis Tritt thing has really put me a pickle,” said Toews. “How can I virtue signal my conservative values if I’m already not a beer drinker?”
Toews says he’s considering taking up beer-drinking for a few days, just so he has something to boycott.
“I think it’ll work out just fine,” said Toews, cracking open a Bud Light for the first time. “This is the same thing I do every year at lent. I adopt an unhealthy vice a couple days before it starts, so that I have something to give up. Last year it was smoking.”
Unfortunately for Toews, he seems to have quickly acquired a taste for light watery beer and now really doesn’t want to participate in the boycott.
“I don’t know why the church was banning this stuff,” said Toews. “It has about the same taste, aroma, and colour as our water supply here in Schanzenberg.”
Toews was immediately excommunicated from his church and plans to switch to one of those GC churches in the city where he’s heard that drinking light beer and supporting “woke” causes are apparently all the rage these days.
(photo credit: Marcus Balcher/CC)