GOSHEN, IN
Head pastor of Northwest Goshen MBC, Heinrich Yoder declared that standing would no long be permitted in church services as it had a very high risk of leading to dancing.
“We need to return to a more sedentary lifestyle. Any movement whatsoever could lead to dancing,” said Yoder. “From now on I’m expecting all of you to crawl in here and slither up to your pew.”
Yoder then shocked many in the congregation by rising to his feet to demonstrate the forbidden action. Mrs. Schmidt, 78, fainted at the sight of her pastor standing and had to be hospitalized. After Mrs. Schmidt was taken away by the ambulance, Reverend Yoder quickly resumed his sermon from a seated position.
“As you can see, we have to do something to stem the tide of standing in our church,” said Yoder. “I’m actually thinking of removing the pews and just having everyone sit on the floor Japanese-style.”
Yoder then passed around a plate of his delicious Mennonite sushi and directed all his parishioners to crawl home on their hand and knees.
“Not only does this hand and knees things prevent dancing,” said Yoder. “But it’s got the added benefit of being remarkably effective at creating a spirit of humility, submission, and asceticism.”
