ELKHART, IN
After failing to garner more than a fifty dollar bid for his handmade quilt this week, ‘Pastor Pete’ Burkholder has decided to drop out of the Presidential campaign and go back to taking verses out of context and scolding parishioners on Sunday mornings.
“I guess my quilts weren’t up to snuff,” said Pastor Pete, at a rally in Elkhart, Indiana. “I’d like to thank all my supporters who providing thimbles, thread, as well as generous tithes and prayer support.”
Pastor Pete had hoped to do better, but it seems Democratic voters weren’t quite ready for an Associate Pastor of a small town Mennonite church as their leader.
“I’m not sure he could beat Trump,” said Burkholder supporter Mr. Lichti. “I’m really not sure who I’ll vote for now. We really need a President who can quilt!”
Upon hearing the news, Mrs. Lichti decided that there just might be an opening for her in the Presidential race.
“With Pastor Pete out, I hear they don’t have any better candidates,” said Mrs. Lichti. “I’m willing to quilt up a storm if it means a change in Washington.”
Pastor Pete’s only success on the campaign trail was a Bible sword drill in Holmes County, Ohio, but apparently that just wasn’t enough to make him a real contender.
“For now, I’m passing the torch to someone else,” said Pastor Pete. “And I’ll just return to my church and spend my days cleaning out the Cheetos from under the couch cushions in the youth room.”