ELMIRA, ON
A convoy of Mennonite buggies are snaking their way through the country roads all the way from Elmira to Ottawa to demand their right to quilt whatever patterns they so choose.
“Who’s Trudeau to say I’ve got to make a Star of Bethlehem or Nine Patch?” shouted Mrs. Bauman from the back of her buggy. “This is a free country and if I want to sew myself a Center Diamond or Trip Around the World pattern that’s my prerogative!”
The Mennonites are up in arms about the new restrictions, which they believe might also affect their ability to stuff sausages as they choose.
“I don’t need the government telling me what to stuff my sausage with,” explained local butcher Mr. Brubacher. “A man’s smoked meat is his own business!”
The Mennonite buggies plan to gather on Parliament Hill and stay there until Trudeau himself comes out to speak to them.
“We’re hoping to win him over with sausage and quilts,” said Mrs. Bauman. “At the very least we’re hoping our non-violent hymn singing and frowny faces will persuade him.”
The City of Ottawa sanitation department has already assessed the situation and say they don’t believe the presence of a couple thousand Mennonite buggies and their accompanying horses will make any discernible impact on the level of horseshit in the capital.