BOISSEVAIN, MB
Yogaphobia has invaded a small Manitoba town after Mrs. Martens, 42, longtime women’s ministry co-ordinator at the local Mennonite church, declared she was “done with the faith” and decided to dedicate her life to Vishnu just five minutes into a Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown DVD.
“See, this is exactly what I warned you all about,” said concerned local yogaphobe Mrs. Wiebe. “Exercising can lead to exorcisms! It can happen really quick.”
Mrs. Martens had just gotten herself into the tadasana position, and had barely worked herself into a sweat, when she suddenly said, “to heck with it” and immediately Googled “how to change religions.”
“The Mennonite faith doesn’t offer much in terms of getting those kinks out of your neck and increasing flexibility,” explained Mrs. Martens. “Billy Graham was a great evangelist, but he’s got nothing on Jillian Michaels!”
In response to the unexpected conversion of Mrs. Martens, the Boissevain Yogaphobe Committee has been distributing literature on Main Street.
“In addition to yoga, we’re also against butter chicken, the sport of cricket, and sitting cross-legged,” said committee chair Mrs. Wiebe. “Oh, and we’re not too keen on that new Mindy Kaling show either.”
Boissevain Yogaphobes also plan to go door-to-door in the area urging residents to burn their Lululemons.
(photo credit: Evan Lovely/CC)