LEAMINGTON, ON
Mrs. Helena Janz, 59, of Leamington is undergoing emergency surgery this week to repair damage to her tongue after repeatedly having to bite it during recent family gatherings. Speaking via email, Mrs. Janz told us about her recent hardship.
“It all started during the planning stages of the Friesen gathering. Mom insisted on doing all the cooking herself yet again this year. I wanted to say, ‘Mom, just hang it! Everyone will be satisfied with Swiss Chalet chicken,'” said Janz. “But she was dead set on doing all the cooking…so I just bit my tongue.”
This was the first in a long line of tongue-biting episodes, explains Janz. She also bit her tongue when the cousins wanted to up the price of gifts from $10 a piece to $20 and when Uncle Peter got really anal about the rules during the gift exchange game.
“I wanted to tell to him to quit being such a grumpy old jackass,” said Janz, “but it’s Christmas so I just sat there quietly tolerating the old fool and bit my tongue.”
Janz also wanted to tell the teenagers to disregard what their spinster aunts had to say about the appropriateness of their attire.
“And the young kids? Why be so particular about their cookie consumption? Just let them be kids,” said Janz. “But, alas, I bit my tongue again.”
Janz experienced only mild tongue discomfort until the uncles began discussing politics.
“I did real damage to my lingual nerve when the uncles started loudly pontificating about the greatness of Donald Trump,” said Janz. “But I’ve learned my lesson. As soon I get my tongue back I promise not to bite it anymore!”
After extensive tongue rehab, Janz plans to call everyone out on their bullshit during Easter gatherings this spring.