WASHINGTON, DC
130 hymn-singing Mennonites were arrested in Washington, DC this week and charged with being, “like, way too peaceful and stuff.” The arrests came after several dozen Mennonites sat down in the Cannon Hill Office Building while singing songs and saying a wide variety of peaceful things.
“Outrageous! I’ve never witnessed something so vile in my life,” said a Washington official. “If there’s one thing we can’t tolerate in our nation’s capitol, it’s the promotion of peace. Disgusting!”
The Mennonites were calling for a Gaza ceasefire … and asking people to stop killing other people apparently goes against everything Washington, DC stands for.
“No wonder they were arrested,” said a spokesperson. “We really need to crackdown on the rising tide of peace in this country.”
Washington has warned anyone considering protesting in the city that they better not exhibit the same order, harmony, and goodwill as these “scandalous Mennonites.”
“Oh, and knock if off with the hymns. We get the point. You can sing. Do you really need to rub it in all the time?”
Protestors will no longer be tolerated within city limits, unless they can clearly demonstrate that they stand for good old-fashioned American values such as jingoism, xenopohia and, mostly importantly, solving all problems by killing people.