WINNIPEG, MB
After DNA testing recently revealed that the chicken at numerous popular fast food establishments had “only trace amounts of chicken meat,” Mennonites across North America fondly recalled the days when eating chicken meant you were actually eating, you know, like, a chicken.
“Oh, those were the days,” said local farmer Peter Toews. “You’d catch a chicken, chop its head off, wait for it to stop running around, pluck it, cook it, and eat it.”
Toews claims to have tried fast food ‘chicken’ on numerous occasions, but has never really acquired a taste for it.
“Personally I prefer my chicken to contain chicken,” explained Toews. “It’s gotten to the point where if I haven’t plucked it myself, I don’t want to eat it. Even when I do pluck it, I still sometimes have my doubts…”
Recently Toews DNA-tested all the chickens in his freezer and found that they were “100% actual chicken.”
“I’d be happy to start selling my chickens to local fast food joints if they’d accept actual food in their restaurants,” said Toews. “They’ll have to provide their own soy and sawdust, though.”
In response to Toews’ offer, every single fast food restaurant said they’re “perfectly fine” just the way they are and vowed never to use real anything in any of their products.