TORONTO, ON
Churches are reopening in Ontario this week with a number of restrictions. On the top of the list is a ban on dancing. Unsurprisingly, the new law has devastated Pentecostals but absolutely thrilled Mennonites.
“When I heard about the ban on dancing I was so excited I felt like getting up and moving my feet,” said Mennonite pastor Rev. Eby. “I’m glad to hear all the churches will be forced to have properly stoic services like ours.”
Pentecostal pastor Rev. Bieber, on the other hand, felt the law was going a bit too far.
“So, what, we can’t even have the worship team run up and down the aisles with colourful streamers?” wondered Rev. Bieber. “Typical government, always siding with the Mennos.”
However, Rev. Bieber also warned his Mennonite counterpart not to get too cocky about the matter.
“I think he doesn’t know that singing has also been banned,” said Bieber. “Good luck getting people to attend a Mennonite church when they find that out. I can’t imagine they’re showing up to hear him preach.”
Ontario’s dance-free singing-free church services will begin next Sunday. The new approved order of service will be limited to a two-hour sermon followed by twenty minutes sitting quietly as the offering plate is passed around.