WASHINGTON, DC
Upwards of three thousand angry Mennonites descended on Washington this week to demand that Joe Biden pay for the complete cost of all the “Elmer’s glue, popsicle sticks, and flannel pictures of the 12 disciples,” they’ve accrued over the years.
“Sunday School debt is the biggest economic crisis facing Mennonites today,” explained protestor Johan Funk who came all the way from Pennsylvania. “The cost of printing Roman’s Road leaflets alone is quite the burden.”
Mennonites are asking for up to $10,000 per Mennonite in compensation, though some Sunday School teachers are also asking for the government to cover the cost of all that church basement red juice.
“There are countries out there where Sunday School is completely free. Like, ummm, Canada I think,” said Johan Funk. “If the government is going to absolve the debt of all those secular university students, then surely they should also cover the cost of the valuable education that we’re providing every Sunday back home in Intercourse, Blue Ball and Pleasureville.”
Funk says he has not yet been given the opportunity to speak with the President to plead his case.
“All I ask is that he attends one of our Sunday School classes to get the idea,” said Funk. “He could also stick around for the sermon, while he’s at it. Although maybe asking for six hours of his time is a bit much.”
As Sunday School expenses continue to climb, Mennonites are hoping the Biden administration will throw them a bone, otherwise they’re all just going to vote for Trump again.