REDMOND, WA
Billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates has been the subject of a wide variety of speculation as of late. ‘Just why is he suddenly so concerned about our health and well-being after subjecting us to poor ergonomics and blood-shot eyes for all these decades? Seems iffy to me!’ As a completely logical extension of this line of thought, Mennonites of the more free-thinking variety have started to wonder whether Bill Gates is microchipping our schmaunt fat.
“Yeah, see first they get us all scared, then they say the only solution is schmaunt fat and that’s how they get us,” said a nervous-looking Mr. Kroeker. “Pretty soon we’re all robots walking around and obeying orders and not thinking for ourselves like…oh, wait a minute? Have the elders already microchipped us?”
Fears of microchipped schmaunt fat have got concerned Mennonites petitioning the government to make sure that any future release of schmaunt fat does not become mandatory.
“The time to stand up for your rights as a Mennonite are now!” exclaimed Mr. Kroeker. “I don’t want to consume some rushed shoddy schmaunt fat from a lab somewhere! If Oma Kroeker didn’t make it, I’m not injecting it into my body!”
Anti-schmaunt-fatters are worried that a time is coming when you won’t be able enter a public place without a shot of microchipped schmaunt fat.
“Better start learning to make your own schmaunt fat now!” said Mr. Kroeker, “because if it’s coming in a box from Ottawa with Trudeau’s name on it, I’d start to wonder if it’s really just flour and heavy cream in that concoction!”
Bill Gates has adamantly denied tampering with the schmaunt fat supply and says such theories are laughable.
“If I wanted to mess with the Mennonites, I’d microchip the Welch’s grape juice,” said Gates. “Either that or waffle sauce. But schmaunt fat? Come on now, all the best stuff is homemade anyway.”
(photo credit: Greg Rubenstein/CC)