CALGARY, AB
Millions of angry Trudeau-hating mask-hating Canadians have left the country en masse and are heading for a new glorious life in post-Soviet Russia.
“Ever since Canada became a Communist country a few months ago, my life has been absolutely terrible,” said Mr. Doerksen, from the 3000-square foot suburban home he’s soon going to be voluntarily vacating for a hut in Siberia. “It’s much better to live under the leadership of a man who has his political opponents imprisoned and journalists assassinated, than to stay here in Communist Canada and wear a mask fully up over my nose!”
Doerksen is leading a campaign to convince the prosperous Mennonites of the Canadian prairies to go back to the country they fled a century ago.
“Let me tell you, an abandoned shack in the old Am Trakt Colony offers a lifestyle that you just can’t get here in Northwest Calgary under the oppressive Trudeau regime,” pleaded Doerksen at his ‘Back to Russia’ rally. “I mean, even Stalin didn’t politely ask his people to cover their mouths when they coughed or use hand sanitizer!”
Doerksen claims that having been forced to follow the arrows on the floor at Shoppers Drug Mart for months now, he “can totally relate” to what his persecuted ancestors went through in “the Gulags and all that.”
“It’s communism, I tell you! Communism!” yelled Doerksen, driving down the road in his Cadillac Escalade. “I mean Zoom church? If that’s not communism, I don’t know what is!”
With the proceeds from the sale of his Eagle Ridge home, Doerksen plans to buy fifteen entire Russian villages complete with livestock.