TORONTO, ON
After temperatures soared to five or ten degrees above freezing this August, igloos have melted across Canada, leaving desperate parka-clad Canadians with no choice but to descend on the United States in large packs. Millions of Canadian illegals have already snuck over the border and immediately began to put a drain on generous American social programs.
“They’re showing up in Minneapolis and Seattle and Cleveland and demanding we supply them with ketchup chips and cheese curds,” said one patriotic American. “And the worse thing is, they don’t even come over with their own guns!”
Anti-Canadian sentiment is growing in the United States, with the biggest fear being that American culture will be “watered down with namby-pamby Canadianisms.”
“You’ll see, soon they’re gonna start making us eat our fries with gravy and play three-down football. Not on my watch,” said a gun-wielding American at the Canada-US border. “I’ve even heard some of them are tunnelling all the way from Iceland! This has got to stop!”
Since the surge in illegal Canadians has come about very suddenly, the US government was unable to build the wall along the northern border.
“The heat wave was particularly bad this year. Canadians lost half their igloos and a sizeable chunk of their ice-fishing shacks,” said a government spokesperson. “Well, I hate to say it, but it looks like we’ll finally have to do something about global warming.”
While the surge in Canadians is a problem for the US, there have also been reports that a few Canadians have bypassed the US completely, and tunnelled their way into Mexico, where they have popped up near Puerto Vallarta somewhere. Reports also suggest that the Premier of Manitoba has tunnelled his way all the way to Costa Rica.