MORDEN, MB
At the current rate, Manitoba’s fastest growing city, Morden, will pass rival community Winkler in population by the year 2056, the same year that Mennonite astronauts are set to colonize Jupiter.
“Just do the math. We’re at 9,926 and grew at 14.5% between the last two census periods,” said Morden statistician Billy Bueckert to a bored audience. “Winkler is at 13,745 and grew at a rate of 8.86%, which means we’ll pass them in just 35 years!”
A grand celebration is already in the works for the year 2056.
“We’ve already got Dr. Dre, Snoop Dog, and Eminem signed on to perform at the 2056 Modern Corn, Weed, and Apple Festival,” said Bueckert. “Look out Vankla, here we come!”
In an effort to stem the tide, Winkler has encouraged area Mennonites to increase their average family size from 15 to 20.
“I’m not sure how those Mordeners are outpacing us,” said Winkler demographer Peter Banman. “We’re already breeding to the maximum capacity. Waut de kuckuck is going on over there?”
While the news was concerning for Winklerites, it paled in comparison to the angst Steinbachers feel about the fact Niverville may surpass them in population by the year 2061.