WASHINGTON, DC
In a press conference earlier this morning, NASA scientists have answered a question that has plagued Anabaptists since the early days of the Reformation: “Are there Mennonites on other planets?” The answer, it seems, is a resounding “yes.”
“We have strong evidence that points to not only life on distant planets, but also the existence of thriving Mennonite communities,” said NASA spokesperson Loretta Rempel. “Our telescopes have revealed huge lakes of schmaunt fat on earth-like planets outside the Milky Way, as well as clear images of creatures who appear to be baptizing adults.”
The newly-discovered planet, dubbed ‘Menno-69c’, is some 2700 light years from earth and it is not yet known how the Mennonites got up there.
“Mennonites love to travel. One theory is that sometime after the Russian Revolution, a few fringe groups from the Molotschna Colony broke off and headed into outer space,” said Rempel. “In their quest to flee from sin and the world, they must have felt that Paraguay or Mexico were simply not far enough away.”
NASA has made attempts to contact the distant Mennonite colony, however, it is not known whether the group has access to communication technology.
“We’re trying to send digital probes,” said Rempel, “but, since they’re Mennonites, we’re doubtful they will have the necessary electronic devices to pick up the signals.”
NASA claims it will spend between two and three trillion dollars to launch a horse-and-buggy into outer space sometime later this year. It is hoped that the rather primitive shuttle will reach the planet within ten years, after which time they will overtake the colony and force them to abandon their way of life and learn English.
