OTTAWA, ON
In an effort to reshape the unhealthy eating patterns of Canadians, the new Canada Food Guide has made formavorscht it’s own food group and now recommends 6-10 servings per day.
“A lot of Canadians aren’t getting enough fat and protein. Some of them were relying far too heavily on chicken or beef,” said Health Minister Diane Owen. “It’s time we consume more alternative sources of protein such as Mennonite farmer sausage.”
The guide recommends 1 kilo a day for children, but adults could easily stand to eat an entire ring….or two.
“Our studies have shown that outside of southern Manitoba, the average Canadian was just not getting enough farmer sausage,” said Owen. “If we want to have a healthier society, we really need to ramp it up. We also recommend a dramatic increase in schmaunt fat and vereneki eating to round out a well-balanced diet.”
According to the new Canada Food Guide, the new food groups are Grains, Vegetables, Dairy, and Farmer Sausage.
“If there was one thing I wish I could convince the population of, it’s that they need to be eating fewer vegetables and more sausage!” proclaimed Owen. “Just think of all those carrots and green peppers you’re putting into your body year after year. It takes its toll. I know I can’t change everything over night, but if we could get people to eat just a bit more formavorscht I think we’d see a dramatic increase in overall health of the nation.”
Owen also recommended a dramatic increase in the consumption of Mennonite desserts.
“Remember what they always say,” said Owen. “A platz a day, keeps the doctor away.”
Upon hearing about the changes, fringe groups flooded message boards to criticize the new plan as some sort of government conspiracy to reduce the population by causing heart attacks.