OAKLAND, CA
Spurred on by all the positive feedback from the game in Winnipeg last week, the National Football League formally announced today that they would be using a much shorter and “thriftier” field for the upcoming season.
“After our overwhelmingly successful experiment up in Alberta or wherever last week, we decided to make it official,” said league commissioner Roger Goodell. “80 yards is here to stay. It’s much cheaper and most of our players can’t count to 100 anyway.”
Goodell says the shorter field will save the league millions as players salaries will be reduced accordingly, since they obviously do not have to run as far. The NFL is also planning to make the fields a bit narrower to allow fans to get closer to the action.
“We want to win over Canadian fans, so we’re planning to model our fields after curling rinks,” said Goodell. “In that spirit, we’re also going to strictly enforce a minimum six beer consumption per game for each of our players.”
The changes will really emphasize the differences between American and Canadian football.
“They want three downs? We’re going with two! They want 12 men on the field. Why not try seven!” said Goodell. “Thanks to these changes, we’re making a modest increase in ticket prices to a reasonable $1500 for a spot in the nosebleeds next to the men’s room.”
Ten yards will be chopped off from the ends of each field and donated to a local MCC Thrift Store, where eager grandmothers are already anticipating the amazing new quilts they’ll make with the material.
