NEW YORK, NY
The 2020 NHL season is in grave doubt this week after the league announced that 11 players have already tested positive for mullets.
“After reopening arenas and practice facilities on June 8, we’ve seen 11 confirmed cases of mullets, with another five or six yet to be lab tested,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “Obviously the safety of our players is our foremost concern, so we’ve got to find ways to make sure no more mullets get into our arenas!”
Mulleted players will be asked to self-isolate until such time as they come to their sense and cut their hideous manes.
“We’ve seen this before and we’ve got to nip in the bud. This is the sort of thing that tends to spread when hockey players are in close proximity to each other,” said Bettman. “If words gets out that Auston Matthews has a mullet, soon everyone will be growing their hair to dangerous lengths in the back.”
The last major hockey mullet pandemic took place in the late 1980s when mullets spread across the league like wildfire and the NHL does not want a repeat of that terrible time.
“It was absolutely devastating for the league. We were the laughing stock of the sports world,” said Bettman. “We’ve got to cut these mullets while we still can.”
It’s estimated that for every one identified mullet, eight others go undetected.
(photo credit: allison/CC)