BLUMENFELD, SK
Grandma Peters has left Uncle Corny off the tüte list this year after it was discovered he had slept in and missed church three times over the past year. According to sources close to Grandma Peters, the accused is also being charged with eating more than his fair share of cheese curds at faspa.
“I know the sentence sounds harsh, but we had to send a message,” said Grandma Peters. “I hope that others will see what happened to Uncle Corny and learn their lesson!”
Uncle Corny sat alone in the corner texting a Russian woman he met online while the rest of the family opened their tüte and devoured their Mandarin oranges and peanuts.
“Around the time I turned forty, tüte started to be less of a big deal to me,” said Uncle Corny. “They no longer had the power to curb my bad behaviour that they did throughout my thirties.”
So far the rest of the Peters clan has been kept in line with the expectation of tüte at Christmas, but some are worrying that Uncle Corny may set a bad example.
“You should have seen his sheer disregard for his personal safety during the Christmas Eve candle-lighting service!” exclaimed cousin Betsy. “The man has to be punished and removing tüte is greatest punishment known to Mennonites!”
Uncle Corny says he will continue to sleep in on occasion and that he’s old enough now that, with the allowance he gets from Mom, he can buy peanuts and Juicy Fruit all on his own.
