DALLAS, TX
Despite significant opposition to the project, one of the world’s major oil companies has elected to route their new pipeline to make sure it damages as many sacred burial grounds as possible. The pipeline has been designed to snake across North America, before tunnelling under the Atlantic, deliberately polluting the drinking water and ripping through the sacred lands of millions of people along the way.
The first graveyard on the hit list is Cataraqui Cemetery in Kingston, Ontario, where the pipeline will plow through the burial place of Canada’s first Prime Minister Sir John A. MacDonald, before heading south to New York City to decimate Grant’s Tomb, and rip through the heart of Arlington National Cemetery in Washington. After dumping millions of gallons of oil in the Atlantic, the pipeline will hit up Pere Lachaise in Paris, the eternal resting place of famous white people like Oscar Wilde, Marcel Proust, and rocker Jim Morrison. Representatives from the company say this is just the price you have to pay if you drive a car.
“If you use oil in any way, you don’t have any reason to complain,” said company rep Bartholomew W. Robertson. “Destroying sacred land is just an unavoidable part of the process. If you drive a car, you’re basically asking us to do this.”
The company says it also plans to dump oil into the world’s most important fresh water sources.
“It’s time these lakes caught up with the Gulf of Mexico. Besides, every time we spill a bit of oil it decreases the supply, so our profits go up. The land gets polluted and we make money. It’s a win-win, really,” said Robertson. “Lake Winnipeg, you better watch out, because that’s going to be one soupy nasty mess by the time we’re done with it.”
The company said it had a strict policy to disregard any social, cultural, or environmental considerations when building a pipeline, and that any protestors should just mind their own business and go back to the countries where they came from.