PARIS, FRANCE
Concerned that his status as “all-time Olympic medal winner” might fall someday, American officials have successfully petitioned the International Olympic Committee to add upwards of twenty new swimming categories.
“With these new additions, I think we can convince (Phelps) to come out of retirement and pad his stats,” said US Olympic chief Gene Sykes. “If you’re good at basketball, you’ve got one possible medal. If you’re good at soccer same deal. But if you so happen to be gifted at swimming, you could win dozens of medals. It’s only fair what with all the body-shaving you have to do.”
The new categories include 150m butterfly, 5×100 medley, 5×123.6m freestyle, and the 10m doggy paddle.
“We can basically adjust the length of the pool to add dozens of new categories,” said Sykes. “But I think 20 or so should do it. We don’t want to get greedy.”
Arguments in favour of Phelps’ status at the greatest athlete of all time will be emboldened by the additional 20 or so medals, bringing his total well into the 40s.
“Plus we’re going to retroactively award him medals for already-completed races,” said Sykes. “If he was first off the blocks in a race, that’s a medal. If he was ahead halfway through the 200m, that’s another 100m medal. Two actually. There’s no end to the medals this man can win.”
Meanwhile, Team Norway is also hoping to add about fifty new skiing events to pad their own stats, too.
(photo credit: Aringo Photos/CC)
