RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL
As the 2016 Rio Games come to a close, fans from across the world will have one last chance today to cheer against Team USA.
“It’s really going to be tough waiting another four years to cheer against the Americans,” said German Olympic fan Rainart Seidel of Munich. “I love getting together with my pals at the beer hall to show our support for anyone but the USA.”
With the Russian team mostly disqualified, the Americans have run away with the total medal count this year tallying 116 medals, including 43 golds…though 42 of these were to Michael Phelps.
“For everything that divides us,” says Quan Nguyen of Hanoi, “it’s nice to see people from different cultures, countries, and religions join together to cross our fingers and hope the American athlete trips on a hurdle or bellyflops off the diving board.”
Canadians have historically had a friendly relationship with Americans, but the Olympics seem to have stoked a rivalry even within America’s polite northern neighbours, who are pathetically resorting to mathematics to make their point.
“Well, you see,” explains Léa Hebert of Montreal, “when you factor in population, the Americans haven’t won this Olympics at all. The USA has approximately ten times Canada’s population, which means, in order to beat us, they would have to have ten times the medals. Yet, we have 22 and they have 116. You do the math.”
A spokesperson from the American Olympic team said Canadians may be good at math but they still kind of suck at sports.