WASHINGTON, DC
Arms industry leaders met in Washington this week to discuss ways of curbing the growing wave of pacifism that’s sweeping the nation.
“How the hell can we expect to keep the economy going without spending billions on tanks and planes and weapons of mass destruction?” wondered CEO Malcolm Sinclair. “Pacifism severely threatens our bottom line.”
The country’s economy has been so heavily intwined with large weapons manufacturers that lobbyists are calling on Washington to bail them out “if this war in the Middle East doesn’t pick up a little.”
“I mean this is really a small war when you think about it. It’s nothing compared to Vietnam or WWII,” explained Sinclair. “My great-grandfather served this country from an office just down the street and raked in tens of millions for our family in the process. My father, too, dedicated his life to the great principles that founded this nation: sending poor people overseas to get blown to bits, while sitting back and watching the money pour in. It’s time we returned to that great American tradition.”
Sinclair then said that pacifism was, like, totally impractical and that Jesus was against it.
“I pledge allegiance to the flag,” said Sinclair, “and the military industrial complex for which it stands.”