KIEV, UKRAINE
Perogies. Pierogi. Vereniki. Varenyky. Call it what you want, but the boiled dough pockets beloved by Mennonites are undoubtedly of Eastern European origin. The fact that so-called “Russian” Mennonites have laid claim to the delicacy has not gone unnoticed by the governments of Poland and Ukraine who have united to sue Mennonites in the largest class action lawsuit in the history of international jurisprudence.
“These Mennonites originated in the Netherlands…and yet they claim the varenyky is theirs? Come on. Who are they kidding?” said lawyer Dymtrus Petrenko. “They moved to Poland, then to Ukraine, and along the way they stole all our best recipes.”
Some Mennonites assert that cottage cheese is what distinguishes a Mennonite vereneki from their Polish and Ukrainian counterparts, but the lawsuit challenges this claim as well.
“It’s a patent violation. I mean, seriously, you think we never thought of putting cottage cheese in there before?” said Petrenko. “We tried that centuries ago and didn’t really like it.”
In addition to asking for damages of three billion dollars, and another five hundred million for “pain and suffering,” the group is also hoping to have all recipes for any kind of dough pocket removed from Mennonite Treasury cookbooks.
“There is no functional difference between their so-called ‘Mennonite’ perogy and ours,” said Petrenko. “They invented schmaunt fat – I’ll give them that. But they can’t have our perogies!”
(Photo credit: by thepinkpeppercorn/CC)
