VATICAN CITY
Pope Francis modified centuries of church teaching this week by calling for the near complete abolishment of the death penalty, except for “particularly heinous crimes such as manspreading and those freakin’ annoying guys who take up both armrests on an airplane or in a movie theatre.”
“The Lord taught us to be peaceful and forgive those who wronged us,” said the Pontiff, “but He couldn’t possibly have meant to give a free pass to those morons on the city bus who jam their sharp and sweaty knees into the neighbouring seats. That’s inexcusable!”
Manspreading has become an epidemic in recent years, with one individual in Milan charged with more than a two hundreds counts of manspreading before being arrested this summer.
“He’s the worst serial manspreader this country has ever seen,” said Federico Rossellini, head of Milan police. “I’m hoping the Pope’s words will encourage more men to keep their legs closed and be more aware of the personal space of others.”
Despite the earth-shattering news, manspreaders across the globe were just as oblivious as they always are.