ALTONA, MB
Home-owners across southern Manitoba were shocked to find cases of ‘free beer’ on their doorsteps this morning. Apparently, late last night some prankster decided to test out the theory of whether Mennonites would accept such an offer.
“I woke up this morning and there was this case of free beer at my door. I didn’t know what to do,” said Altona resident Peter Brandt. “I stood there in my pyjamas for a full hour, sweat rolling down my forehead, thinking, praying, and weighing my options. It’s a real catch-22. On the one hand it’s free! On the other hand…it’s beer! Oba, I was confused.”
Mr. Brandt and more than five-hundred other Mennonite homes received the cases of beers with no strings attached. All they had to do to receive the delicious treat was bend down and pick them up off the doorstep, but that is precisely where the problem seemed to lie.
“Jauma! Why couldn’t they have left it at my back door where the Friesens across the street wouldn’t see,” pondered Mr. Goertzen, who received a lovely 12-pack of Torque Brewing company beer. “I decided I better not touch it and hope it would just disappear. After a couple hours it did. That was a relief.”
Other bolder and braver Mennonites decided to take the plunge and bring the beer into their homes.
“I opened the door just a hair,” said Mrs. Loewen, “just enough to slither my hand outside to reach for the case. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Fehr didn’t notice.”
For many Mennonites this case of free beer was their first encounter with the product and most were very impressed with the taste.
“Oba, it sure beats Welch’s grape juice and water,” said Mrs. Unger of Plum Coulee. “I sure hope I have a chance to try free beer again someday.”
The prankster has still not revealed his true identity, though some are suspecting it may have been a sting operation perpetuated by the local elder board.
“Ach, you can never trust those elders; they’re always up to something,” said Mrs. Unger. “I’m just glad it was beer they were offering. I think my head might have exploded if it had been an offer for free dance lessons.”
A statistical analysis of the prank reveals that a full 63% of recipients brought the beer into their homes, while the rest were content to just let it sit there on the doorstep until some Englisher walked by and claimed it for themselves.
