WASHINGTON, DC
Just days after tweeting that the United States “could not be burdened” with the $8.4 million a year it would cost to accommodate transgender people in the military, President Trump announced a huge increase in Viagra spending for the remaining cis-hetero male soldiers.
“The military is about three things: protecting our borders from an influx of poor people, forcibly opening up new markets for massive corporations, and providing young men with the opportunity to sow their wild oats with impoverished and desperate women around the globe,” said Trump. “It’s why I just love the military! Absolutely love it!”
Trump then announced he would literally double the funding of Viagra to “our brave servicemen around the globe.”
“Currently we were providing a measly $84 million worth of Viagra each year,” said Trump. “As a renowned womanizer and genital-grabber I know this funding falls far short of reaching our military goals.”
Trump then said if you’re going to ask people to risk their lives to protect the interests of oil companies, it was very important that these people be provided with some sexual relief in their off time.
“I like to think of our military as one big global orgy,” said Trump. “You are all—well, most of you anyway–invited to join!”
