MOSCOW, RUSSIA
Russian leader Vladimir Putin has reassured the global community that he plans to employ the “tried and true withdrawal method” during his upcoming Ukraine incursion.
“Our best scientists have tested this method very carefully. I put eight of my top men on it, and we’re pretty sure it’ll work. It’s all matter of self-control and timing,” said Putin. “I’ll pull out. I promise.”
Western scientists, however, say they’ve been secretly monitoring Putin’s withdrawal method over the past few years and are concerned he’s not as skilled at it as he claims.
“The chances of success are pretty minimal I’d say,” said America’s top pullout researcher Darryl. “In general the pullout method is pretty unreliable. Just look at how large those Mennonite families are.”
Putin acknowledged the concern, but said it wasn’t really a fair comparison.
“Yeah, okay, but I’ve got a lot more self-control than Mr. Thiessen in Schanzendorf,” said Putin. “I mean, just look at how I handled Crimea.”
Ukraine officials are skeptical of the promise, saying, “yeah, yeah, whatever, we’ve heard that one before and look where it got us.”