BANFF, AB
After 51-year-old Harry Fast was discovered in Mrs. Fehr’s rhubarb patch this weekend, residents of Banff, Alberta are being asked to remove plants that will attract hungry Mennonites.
“It’s simply not safe to have Goertzens and Wiebes roaming around town in the middle of the night,” said Mrs. Fehr. “You should have seen the hairy Abe I caught on my trail cam.”
Banff has long been a hotspot for Mennonite activity, as it’s exactly halfway between Taber and Chilliwack.
“So we really don’t need to be luring them into town with our rhubarb stalks,” explained Fehr. “I hate to pull up my plants, but enough is enough.”
Banff is also recommending the removal of any crab apples or dillweed.
“Anything you can make into a plautz or throw into a pot of borscht has got to go,” said Fehr. “Those Brandts and Falks are simply not safe to be around when they’re hungry.”
Experts are also saying that as cute and cuddly as they look, any Mennonite rummaging through your garden should not be approached.
“We had to haze a few Pletts and a Wiebe last week,” explained Fehr. “That’s just what happens where you live so close to wildlife.”