INTERCOURSE, PA
Young Caleb Hershberger of Intercourse was really looking forward to getting out into the wild world of the English during his rumspringa this year, but so far he’s been totally disappointed.
“Dunner uns Gewidder! The English are more uptight and strict than any of us back home in Intercourse,” said Hershberger, as he discarded his suspenders and hat for a mask and backpack full of hand sanitizer. “I always thought these Englishers were a wild bunch, but they seem pretty buttoned up.”
As he strolled down Fifth Avenue in Manhattan, Hershberger was shocked to see how skiddish the English were around strangers.
“Anytime I get too close, they yell or run away,” said Hershberger. “I mean, even the bishop back home lets us get within six feet of the women.”
Hershberger was also really confused by how empty the bars seemed to be.
“There are empty seats everywhere. I’d say they’re operating at 25% capacity max,” observed Hershberger. “And so modestly dressed. The English make their women cover their entire faces. The men, too!”
After a couple weeks in the English world, Hershberger has decided he’s going back to Amish life since they all seem to have a lot more fun and there aren’t nearly so many rules.
