FRESNO, CA
Rap icon Snoop Dogg made headlines this week after declaring that he will no longer partake in cannabis. Further investigation revealed that the dramatic lifestyle change came after an encounter with a Mennonite church.
“I had no idea a church could have so many rules,” said Snoop. “Weed isn’t the only thing I had to give up. Also on the list was television, recreational sex, and my entire career in hip hop.”
Joining a church whose whole raison d’être is to come up with increasingly restrictive rules has been a challenge for the 52-year-old rapper.
“They’re making me take the radios out of my cars, too,” said Snoop. “Oh, yeah, and no more cars either.”
Snoop says it’s been a difficult transition, but says his new austere lifestyle comes with some unexpected benefits.
“A year or two like this and I get to participate in the quilt auction,” said Snoop. “I’ve never been to one, but the Mennonites promise me it’ll be worth it.”
Representatives from the local Mennonite church confirm the long list of rules for new members, but say one item needs some clarification.
“We don’t forbid smoking,” said Pastor David. “As long as you do it behind the barn after the church service.”
Pastor David also wants the public to know that the church never has and never will forbid the smoking of sausages.