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violence

Unger Games

Mike Tyson to Fight Mennonite Man Named Jake Pauls

November 15, 2024 Andrew

FRESNO, CA A paperwork mixup has boxing legend Mike Tyson set to square up against Fresno area farmer Jake Pauls tonight. “Yeah, when I got the note in my church mailbox, I thought, ‘oba, it […]

The Daily Bonnet

Pacifist Mennonite Woman Reluctant to Use Flyswatter

October 8, 2023 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB It’s that time of year again. Flies. Everywhere. However, for area woman Erin Stobbe, 51, the little pests are something of a blessing. “I believe in non-violence,” said Stobbe. “Who am I to […]

Unger Suspicion

James Reimer Declines to Wear ‘Violent’ San Jose Sharks Jersey

March 19, 2023 Andrew

SAN JOSE, CA Saying that the violent imagery goes against his religion, San Jose Sharks goalie James Reimer has declined to wear the team’s jersey. “It’s something that has weighed heavily on my conscience ever […]

Unger Games

Limited Edition Dutch Blitz Set to Come Prepackaged with First Aid Kit

January 30, 2023 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA A new limited run of special Dutch Blitz sets will come prepackaged with bandages, sterile dressings, gauze, and antiseptic wipes. “It’s about time my Dutch Blitz cards came with a first aid kit,” […]

Unger Suspicion

Local Gas Station to Offer Free Eye-Gouging or Kick in the Groin with Every Purchase

September 26, 2022 Andrew

VANCOUVER, BC Gas stations across Vancouver are going the extra mile this week by providing each paying customer with a complimentary eye-gouging or kick in the groin. “We’re trying to stand out from the crowd […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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