SASKATOON, SK
According to a viral trend on TikTok, Mennonites think about the Roman Empire three or four times a week, more often than food, sex, or even church.
“It’s shocking. I had no idea,” said Megan Klippenstein, 34, of Saskatoon. “I thought it was just me. But apparently all us Mennonites are thinking about the Roman Empire quite a lot. Strange.”
Klippenstein is not alone, it seems, as thousands of Mennonites have taken to TikTok to confess their obsession.
“Last week during meddachschlop I kept thinking about Julius Caesar,” admitted local social media enthusiast Olga Sawatzky. “And my Harold claims he kept thinking about Caligula the whole time.”
All of this raises the question, of course. Why? Why Mennonites and the Roman Empire?
“I don’t have an explanation,” said Professor Wiens. “All I know is I’m thinking about the Roman Empire right now. ”
Explanations range from a subconscious desire for violence due to centuries of pacifist repression, to the Mennonite obsession with history.
“There’s another possibility,” said Klippenstein. “I’m not going to rule out the fact that we’re just getting it mixed up with the Russian Empire.”