WINNIPEG, MB
Since the cancellation of the NHL season is more-or-less a foregone conclusion by now, NHL executives have decided to award the Stanley Cup to the league’s most deserving fanbase, the Winnipeg Jets.
“We can’t play the games, but we’ve got this Cup sitting around and we might as well award it,” said commissioner Gary Bettman. “It was quite the process, but we decided the fan’s most deserving of the cup were the Winnipeg Jets.”
The decision was based on a number of factors such as how dedicated the fan base was, how few cups they’ve won, and whether they’d been screwed over by the league in the past.
“Sure the Leafs have waited five decades, but the Jets have never won at all and we never stole a team from Toronto and moved it to the desert,” said Bettman. “We also considered the Canucks, but that whole riot thing put them out of contention.”
All the southern US teams were automatically eliminated from contention for the Cup this year since most residents of those cities couldn’t identify a well-functioning forecheck if their life depended on it.
The Winnipeg Stanley Cup parade will take place via Skype this week Saturday, and Jets players have been instructed to take notes from Grey Cup winner Chris Streveler and make a video of themselves in fur coats, Cuban cigars, and cowboy hats.