NORTH KILDONAN, MB
Canadian donut giant Tim Hortons held a press conference on Henderson Highway this afternoon to announce a new item on the menu – Mennonite zwieback – well, just the tops anyway.
“For years, everyone has been pulling off the tops and tossing them out,” said Tim Hortons spokesperson Janet Toews. “We figured it was time to reuse all those unwanted zwieback tops.”
Tim Hortons has already hired more than 30 Mennonite omas to work in shifts at the MB church basement, where they will churn out zwieback around the clock.
“First we stuff the bottom buns with raisins and use them at funerals,” explained Toews, “but that tiny top bun is going to be offered in bulk at Tim Hortons stores across the country.”
The demand is high and there are already several old rusty Fords and air-conditioning-less minivans lined up to taste the new treat.
“Oba, these new Zwiebits sure are delicious,” said local farmer Ed Hiebert. “And the best thing is, they come by the dozen, so that means one for Tina and me, plus one for each of the kids yet.”
Tim Hortons will be offering a wide variety of Zwiebits including plain, extra plain, and raisin. No word yet on whether they’re going to offer sour cream glazed Zwiebits.