Top Ten Things to Expect Now that a Steinbacher is in Charge

For the first time in 151 years a Steinbacher, Kelvin Goertzen, was sworn in as Manitoba Premier this morning, and many Winnipeggers are wondering just what to expect over the next sixty days of his Premiership. Thankfully, Steinbach’s own The Daily Bonnet is here to help. We don’t anticipate a lot of changes, but here are a few things you might notice:

A concerted effort to end the most threatening virus ever to strike our province: Perimeteritis. Expect to see the current Winnipeg ring road deconstructed and replaced with a massive new Perimeter Highway that surrounds the whole province and prevents folks from going to Saskatchewan. It’s for the best.
Quilts for everyone. I know this sounds more like a kind of socialist NDP thing, but over the next two months, expect a free hand made quilt in your mail box. Winter nights will never be the same.
Women on one side and men on the other. The whole province will be divided just like a traditional Mennonite church. Women will be heading to Brandon and surrounding area, while the men are off to the Whiteshell, which I suppose is where they go every weekend to avoid being in a house full of kids anyway. Construction has already commenced on a massive hat rack for the men’s side.
Miriam Toews novels will be added to the K-12 curriculum. Starting this fall expect to see A Complicated Kindness and Irma Voth as assigned reading in schools across the province. Morning opening exercises will also require the singing of the national anthem followed by a solemn reading of the latest Daily Bonnet.
Mask requirements will become permanent… but only in liquor stores. It’s time that all Manitobans share in the guilt and shame associated with purchasing a six pack of Coors just like Steinbachers do.
All government agencies, from driver’s licensing to casino gambling, will communicate exclusively in Plautdietsch… but I’m sure you’re all already used to this if you’ve ever tried to get a loan at a credit union.
Full funding for trajchtmoaka services. Expect to see drastic changes in public health funding with a significant shift towards services provided by a guy in a garage who’ll kjnips your back, spread tomato juice on your wounds, and send you home with explicit instructions to consume a half bottle of Wonder Oil every hour until you’re feeling “seea goot.”
Mandatory participation in evening services. 6 o’clock every Sunday evening, just as The Wonderful World of Disney begins, all Manitobans will be expected to put down their cheese curds and head to their local church for a performance by the Thiessen Sisters Quintet and a delightful puppet show about the Second Letter of Paul to Timothy.
Better road signs. First off, a Jantsied sign will go up welcoming visitors to Altona, while a Ditsied sign will go up just on the edge of Kleefeld. You can also anticipate sandwich board Bible verse signs all over Winnipeg.
Faspa. Of course.