TORONTO, ON
Toronto City Council held an emergency meeting this past week after a large ‘Centre of Canada’ sign was erected on the highway near the small town of Landmark, Manitoba.
“What on earth is this?” asked mayor John Tory to a group of bewildered councillors. “This can’t be for real, is it? The last time I checked the centre of Canada was somewhere on Yonge Street, and certainly no further west than Bay Street!”
The news caused great concern for council members, who worried the city would be sent into a panic if this information was leaked to the public.
“If this gets out, it will be absolute chaos on the streets,” said Tory. “I might have to call in the military to make sure law and order is maintained.”
Soon after the meeting, a rival councillor, seeking to discredit the mayor’s leadership, posted a photo of the Manitoba sign on Twitter. The reaction was immediate, as millions of Torontonians took to the streets to express their rage.
“We haven’t seen anything like this in Canada since the Vancouver Canucks lost in game 7,” said one news reporter. “I just hope this all calms down before someone gets hurt.”
In an effort to settle down the angry mob, Mayor Tory took to the airwaves.
“My fellow Torontonians, calm yourself, please!” begged Tory. “Yes, it is true, Toronto is not the longitudinal centre of Canada, but I have no doubt in my mind that we still are, and always will be, the absolute centre of the Universe.”
The words seemed to reassure city residents, most of whom quickly discarded their Molotov cocktails and returned home to watch the Blue Jays lose yet again.